Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
