let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
