I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
