I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
