I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
