My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
