I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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