I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
