I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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