She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
