Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
My liver just had a heart attack.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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