you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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