I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
