Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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