i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
COCAINE IS GR8
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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