She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
