Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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