and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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