If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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