I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i used baking grease as lip gloss
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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