plz talk dirty to me
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
