can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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