my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
