I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
