forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
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