Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
