I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
