I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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