hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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