There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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