I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
