yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
