I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
