My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
