I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
