Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
