So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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