What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Randomize
