My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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