im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
