I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
