You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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