My entire life is one complicated drinking game
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
