I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
