Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I smell like Dick and happiness
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