ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
