Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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