1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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