I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
