My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
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