the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
