Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Randomize
