I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
