i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
