i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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