I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
