what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
